Picasso II

I admit it: I am ever so slightly jealous of opposable thumbs. Not because of this art thing, mind you. It's really because I recognize that I could more thoroughly mutilate and eviscerate my rodent prey. It's nice that humans like to create things with their thumbs. We can't all be creators, I suppose.

Jen's a little freaky with the paint rules. Surprise, surprise. Like, Sam can't wave the paintbrush around when it's full of paint and water. Sheesh! Also, the paint stays on the table. Sam might as well put the paintbrush down because, if he is moved to be the next Pollack, forget it! His mother will squash that dream like a bug.

Picasso

Puzzle Time 2

Sam's next lesson should be about how inanimate objects do not have feelings.

Table Time

Here are the hazards of emulating one's heroes. If you watch the bottom one first, you will see why Sam is so quick to be excused from the table. Translating Cookie Monster's manners art into reality is just too difficult.

TV Dinners

There are so many things wrong with this scene. First, where are his clothes? Ever hear of no shirt, no shoes, no service? Second, who puts normal, really sticky band-aids on a kid? Where are the Sesame Street band-aids? I tried to teach Sam how to chew them off, but everyone got all upset, like I was trying to bite him or something. Third, the boy is eating alone in front of the TV. Who will he learn manners from, Cookie Monster? Terrible, just terrible.

Sports Pro

Josh and Jen are giving Sam lots of sports opportunities. Don't worry, he also plays the drums and the tambourine, so sports are balanced with music. He tries to include me in both these pursuits. I tell him that I am old enough to know what I am good at: killing rats. Why fight it?

Siamese Fire Drill

My felines friends and I call this Siamese Fire Drill.

Enologist in Training

Jen is developing Sam's sense of smell. The glasses are for focus.

Baseball Star

For Sam's birthday, we all got him a little something. Jen went out and got a T-ball set, since Sam has expressed such an interest in baseball. It all started with Nana's last visit and a fated trip to the park. Sam became overly enthused about batting. Then Josh's softball season began, and Sam and Jen went to a couple practices and part of a game. "Part" because Jen had to drag Sam home screaming.

There has been a problem with proper use of the bat. I am happy to report that Jen is on top of taking the bat away whenever Sam decides to offer it to me. I use "offer" euphemistically, of course. I don't play those human games and certainly do not want any fielding or batting practice.

I got Sam something too: a rat. I left it intact on the front lawn - you don't know what restraint that took, there is nothing like a warm rat in the morning - but it seems some crows got to it. They are such sloppy eaters, just eviscerating everything. Gross. Sam never got to play with it, however, because Jen got rid of it. How rude. She didn't even ask me if I wanted anymore.

Musical Genius

He clearly has varied musical interests and talent. I plan to join him on vocals.

Indulgent Parenting

I've been warning them for a long time. You can't just let your kid run your life. Like everything has to change just because you have a child? No. You continue on your merry way and simply squeeze them in where appropriate. You certainly don't let them drive or even play in the car, first of all, before they are of age.

Second, you don't give them full, unfettered access to the internet where they supposedly watch Elmo. Alone. In a hotel room. Yeah, right.

And I can tell you from experience that you don't let them climb all over the furniture to wreak havoc on it and everything in reach.

You heard what happened on the flight back from Decatur, didn't you? Sam scratched the crap out of both Jen and Josh's faces. Seems he was overtired after a couple days without a quality nap. I am pleased because Sam used his claws and therefore his feline training, but I am also dismayed because Jen and Josh continue to learn nothing about parenting from these unfortunate events. This was Jen's second time being mauled and I am still the only child confined to the utility room? No way.

Dropping It

Humans do this weird thing called "dancing." Jen is pretty good, but Sam has a long way to go. He just uses the techniques to get dizzy right now.

Urban Park

At first I was jealous that Sam was taken on a trip to a large outdoor area. Don't get me wrong, I guess he appreciates it, but I think I would use the facility more, explore more, you know. I heard that there are lots of dogs there, so I now understand why I wasn't invited. They were thinking of me after all.

Gross

How long are they going to force this utensil thing?

Climbing fool

Now this I am in favor of. I like to think he learned by watching me. Now there can be two of us on the roof fighting off the raccoons.

Letters

I have no need for the alphabet. I survive using my street smarts. Yet I am subjected to this new contraption every time I come inside for a little respite. Sam loves his letters. Ug.

Smarty-pants

We all know about Josh's smarty-pants/attorney tone of voice. Then there is Teacher Jen, with her high and mighty attitude; little Miss I-Know-All-the-State-Capitals-and-the-World's-Major-Waterways. But now, just look what they are pushing on Sam - the alphabet! Horror of horrors. What's next? Video games that Josh claims work on finger dexterity and problem-solving ability? Please, no. Well, we can rest easy for now, knowing that Sam merely sees the alphabet as catchy, danceable song lyrics.

Dogs suck, but Peanut Butter Rules!

In an unrelated story, Sam is allergic to ... dogs! We already knew that he gets a bit red when he rubs against my fur. It's a small price to pay to be close to greatness. But the dog allergy is bad! He got a rash every place the dogs' tongues (yes, there were two) came into contact with skin. The nurse at the doctor's office said she "never heard of anyone being allergic to saliva." Jen thinks she is an idiot because the evidence seems to point toward something that has to do with saliva - since the rash was only where Sam was licked.

Courting the favor of dogs is a waste of time anyway. Now, even more so.

Uhhhhhh

Who is watching the children? Yeah. Who is watching the watchers? Has Jen completely lost it?

Sam's Pets

Since all Sam does with me is pull my tail, Jen decided to get him a new pet. They went looking for one. He wanted a seal, but Jen said he would have to clean the tank himself, so he decided against it.

He found this squid and thought playing in giant squid tentacles would be fun. Jen tried to explain the tank thing again, plus the sticky tentacles and venom and a gargantuan beak. Decided against that one too.

Sam finally found something he thought would work. Bonus: no tail.

At least now I don't get blamed for the fur all over the house. Blue and red are easily distinguished from orange.

Couch Potato

You know me - I like to get out and go. Always prowling, always looking for adventure, or at least a mouse to torture.

I expect Sam to see this and follow in my footsteps. I expect him to want to emulate, to be inspired.

But he just wants to sit there and stare at that Elmo character. And Josh and Jen are happy to oblige.

Things have gone far enough.

On the Road

So I was locked in the workroom - have you seen it, by the way? Such a disaster area. I don't know if Josh and Jen are ever going to straighten up. Anyway, locked in there for a few days with a lot of food so that I could console myself, I guess. What was everyone else doing? Having a good time, apparently.

So puzzling

Sam's meows have changed quite a bit. He strings a bunch of sounds together that no longer sound like meows, actually. Jen and Josh seemed pleased with this development. I don't know what to think.

Galoshes

I've never really understood footwear. They make it impossible to climb trees, and difficult to get a good running start.

But I can see the attraction of galoshes. No cat I know likes getting his feet wet. I can't even describe what it's like to get water in between your toes, soaked into that fur. And, let me tell you, the ground is cold up here in the PNW.

So, although I hounded Sam to eschew these ridiculous things, I have recanted. The galoshes have my blessing.

Wine

The most important part of this video is the very last word of it. Sam says, "Wine." I believe he wanted to talk about the cocktail hour that Jen mentioned. Perhaps he was trying to speed everyone toward Elmo time.

Eating Habits

Sam routinely lets Jen know just what he thinks of her creations. Homemade waffles? You can have these back, thanks. Yes, that is a stuffed bear at the table. Sam has terrible manners.

He is trying to use utensils now, against my counsel. Just stick your mouth right on it, is what I say. He does sometimes do it my way, but I have heard him ask for a spoon way too often for my tastes.

He seems to chew with his mouth closed too. Disgusting.

Ha

I do have a great influence over the little guy.

Let me know if this video doesn't work. Blogger doesn't want to upload my stuff as of late.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

That's right - they match! Have mercy upon us.

When will the madness end? Sam was very excited about this bib because it has Elmo on it. He now asks for Elmo throughout the day to see if it's time. FYI, Elmo time is about 5:30 or 6pm. Perhaps I have mentioned this before. Elmo Time is also Cocktail Hour ... for Jen.

So, I'm thinking that no one is reading this blog anymore. Hey! You out there? Don't feel shy in telling me that you are happy to see me again - that you were bereft while I was gone, that there was a little less lift in your step when you didn't have me as the air under your feet. Something like that. I need reassurance. A cat's ego is only so stable, you know.

Eating Habits

Sam's First Balloon

I Like the New Sam

So Sam returned from his time in SB a bit changed. He has come into his own ... with certain feline influences. In this photo we see him letting everyone know that it is time to go outside. He even says "outside" and gets on his hat, grabs his shoes, and begins to caterwaul by the door. The longer anyone takes to get him outside, the more insistent he becomes. "Insistent" is a euphemism for "loud and obnoxious." I like to think that he learned how to be his way from me. I mean, we make horrendous sounds in order to get our needs met immediately. No one wants to listen to whining or screaming, do they? Ergo, nothing gets you food or outside faster.

Did you hear about the plane ride back with Jen? I'm so proud of the kid. He screamed numerous times, scratched Jen's face and neck so that she bled, and tried to bite her kneecap not once, not twice, but THREE times. Man! I really thought he wasn't paying attention to my lessons about confined spaces and being made to partake in transportation options that one objects to. But he was.

Jen's emotional reserves are so overtaxed that Sam now has Elmo Time daily. Of course, he tries to have Elmo all day, testing the waters several times with "Elmo! Elmo!" while reaching for the TV. Jen, so far, only lets him watch in the evening. Hm. This is also, coincidentally, cocktail hour.

In conclusion, Sam has become more willful and vocal and ... pleasant to be around, actually. We can now whine by the door together, scream to get what we want, and bite Jen when we don't. Ah, brothers.

My Vacation

I know we usually define and describe our vacations by retelling what we did. But please allow me - because you know me so well - to recount my vacation in the inverse. Or would that be the reverse? The obtuse?

I did not go to the park and waste time on this ridiculous contraption. I, instead, ran around outside in the fresh air, looking for rodents to kill.

I did not play peek-a-boo with Papa at the park, every stinking day. Do they even realize that they are running around in one giant litter box? Raccoons use litter boxes, too, you know.

I did not waste precious indoor time. Time that should be spent lying on couches, preferably ones with dark blankets.

I played with no balls whatsoever. I prefer to sharpen my reflexes on catching birds. One ... two ... three! Feathers everywhere!

I most certainly did not waste the dusk hour by bringing my inside toys out. This is the time of day when birds are drowsy from the day's activities and are gathering to talk about where they found seeds, etc. This is the perfect time for snacking on them because they are unaware! Who needs toys outside? You have fences to climb, birds and mice to kill, other cats to chase, and caterwauling to do.

Next time, I will go to San Bruno for three weeks and show you all how it's done right. I must say that I enjoyed my little break immensely. Josh and I had a gentleman's agreement about coming and going and meal preparation. It worked well. He's not a bad housemate.

Mental Health

You all know, loyal fans, that I have been struggling with my new role as big feline in the house. I have to be a role model, but at the same time, I also need to be me. I need to stay out all night on occasion. I need to caterwaul. I need to mix it up.

So I have to take a little break from my blog to recoup.

I hope you understand and will come back with me when - and it's not if, it's when - I return to blogging. For now, I am going to reconnect with my inner cat through prowling, lurking, and meowing.

I picked some really ugly photos of Sam so that you can recall just how tough I have had it.

Helping in the Kitchen

Sam wants to help around the house now. Here we see him organizing the tupperware. His approach is to take everything out of the drawer first. If there are nesting pieces, he takes them apart, like here. He also likes to make sure they are totally clean because he doesn't trust the dishwasher. How does he make sure? By putting each one in his mouth, of course.

He also likes to help with the baking.

And when he does not appreciate Jen's efforts, he gladly rings up the pizza place.

Monkey See ...

Jen spends a lot of time looking at her cookbooks and magazines and planning meals. So, Sam does the same. Although here he really seems to be channeling Papa with the hat and Jacques Pepin cookbook.

Jen doesn't spend a lot of time on the phone, but it's enough to influence Sam's view of the world. Here we see him using tofu as his phone.

But this takes it too far! Why would he hold a squirt bottle up to the door? Hm, could it be so that it can be opened just enough to let fly a stream of searingly cold water? Into an unsuspecting feline's face? Too far.

Sam, the Artiste

He grabbed the pencil and the pad and proceeded to squiggle.

Oh yeah, and the beret. I think he's channeling Picasso during his Paris years. Perhaps Magritte. Notice how he holds his thumb out as he does Josh's portrait?

Blueberries

But blueberries aren't in season, you say. Nope. These are frozen and heated. Sam loves them. I find them revolting. I understand that humans are omnivores, but I really think it's a waste.

Not to mention the mess.

Homespuns

We've talked about Sam's homespun wardrobe before. I do approve of it.

He looks quite smart in his vests. I have been told that they are not only warm, but should also prepare him for his ivy league education. Not that there is any pressure for that. The vest colors are not those of any particular school, after all.

And I understand that when you don't have a fur coat, or fur on your ears, you have to make do. BUT (you knew it was coming), I think Nana has forgotten about the rest of us. I have but one measly blanket covered in hair! I don't need a jacket. Sam said I could borrow his vests. But really? Nana doesn't have a bunch of scraps she can throw together for little ol' me?