Bath time

No no no. I already went through this with Sam. His case is totally lost. I roll in dirt, too, but I still find water to be unnecessary. Sheesh.

A bath need be nothing more than a thorough licking. I really thought Jen and Josh were going for the feline bath routine with Teddy, at least. I mean, Jen did wait a whole month before giving Teddy his first real bath. It was spot cleaning before that. She had to use washcloths because her tongue raspiness has decreased over the years, of course, but she was clearly taking a feline approach. I don't know what prompted the partial submersion and the soap, of all things. Teddy was developing a very nice funk that is now ruined. He even had some stinky buildup under his arms.

All cats know that we need scent to be identified. Now Teddy smells like Johnson and Johnson! People talk about "new baby" smell. I think they really mean funk - unwashed, spot-cleaned funk. And Teddy's is now gone.

Watching Prey

Have I told you that Sam likes bird watching? I don't know how I feel about this. Josh and he sit and look out the window at the birds that Sam puts food out for. Initially I thought that the bird food table was for my benefit. You know, birds come to the table while I lurk nearby. It hasn't really worked out though. Besides, I am much more of a ratter. Don't they know me at all? Why don't they start their own compost to draw in the rats? Forget the bird feeder! I will know Jen and Josh truly care when they are clearly attracting rats to the yard.

Even Papa was sucked into the bird watching. They were talking about peanuts and leaving them out for jays. Jays! They are so big and ornery that they aren't even afraid of cats!

At least there is this. What are birds really good for? Making babies that you can eat!

Sam's Birthday Noise

I have been trying to understand birthdays for a few years now. I have watched Sam's so that I can maybe establish a pattern.

For his first birthday, a bunch of people came over and generally got in the way. I concluded that birthdays are a nuisance where annoying people are invited to your house to take up space and leave a mess. For Sam's second birthday, Jen and Josh did nothing. I concluded that birthdays are maybe also about neglect and perhaps punishment and unpredictability. Will the annoying people be back, or will we just pretend like you were never born? Then, for this third birthday, I think I finally get it. I conclude that Sam's second birthday was an anomaly born out of Jen's laziness. The first and third establish a clear pattern.

Birthdays are about noise. You need to make as much aggravating sound as possible.

Mixed Messages

Oh, sure, the new kid is allowed on the couch.

I'm sure you have noticed the protection placed on the couches in the playroom. One would assume, knowing there is a cat in the house, that these blankets are a sort of insurance against hair accumulation. I know my faults; I know I shed. Humans wished they could renew their hair as much as cats do - this is what keeps my coat lustrous. Well, shedding and eating rats, really. Anyway, I am puzzled as to why Jen and Josh leave the couch protection on when I cannot be on the couch anymore. Are kids really that filthy? I am tired of the mixed messages. Am I invited on the couch or not? Are the cushions on the outside chairs for my comfort or not? Are you inviting me to sleep in the stroller when you leave it outside or not? Be clear!

Keeping up appearances

I know when folks come to visit me they need to make everyone else in the house feel like they get equal air time, so to speak. So Nana and Papa sit with the kids. Please note the space between them. Who is it reserved for? I'm just saying that it looks like it would fit a cat perfectly.

I was rather disappointed in Mel and Eric, however. They took Sam out to the park to hone his feline skills, but they brought along a frisbee! This is usually a dog toy. I am sure they were just confused and probably forgot the catnip mouse in the car. I forgive them because they showed their affection for and appreciation of me later by letting me in the house. Eric even tried to get me up on the couch. Jen is always there, though, with her anti-feline scowl to dissuade him.

She doesn't dissuade this one, though, does she?