More Slacking

This is what eveings look like - Sam is made to prepare dinner, while Teddy watches. Jen either plays online or takes a bath. But Jen and Josh will get what they deserve. I mean, what is a 3-year-old inclined to make? 

Exactly. 

360 Desk-DJ Table

There are so many things wrong with this. First off, what is the point? To get energy out of Sam? It certainly is not music education. Where is he picking up those moves? Ug. Then there is Teddy's training to be a what? Secretary? Receptionist? A 360 desk is a bit much. Perhaps it is supposed to be a DJ table - still odd. But the most disturbing aspect of this whole show is the portrait of a dog on his desk. It is these small, subtle images, words, and interactions that have lasting effect and I shudder to think what the consequences of that dog photo will be. Maybe Teddy will grow up to be a *shudder* Dog Person. 

Approved Curriculum

I see Jen is taking some of my advice. Teddy needs to start working on his hunting skills so that they are automatic once he is moving on all fours. Jen got out the small animal toys so Teddy gets used to grabbing and biting. I like that the toys have sound as well. This means Teddy won't be alarmed when he grabs a rat and it squeals. I am concerned about the fruit toy, however. Maybe Jen is seeing if Teddy is fooled by inanimate objects - he clearly isn't, as he tosses it aside and resumes his gumming of the small bird. Good boy. 

Cheap Babysitter

We all know that Jen uses the TV as Sam's babysitter. The kid has a repertoire of several shows now - like it would kill him to go out and play in the rain with me! At least Jen has the sense to not plug Teddy into the TV yet. So, she must work hard at home with him all day, keeping him entertained ... nope! Please note that she discovered Teddy's affinity for the washer after trying the blender, vacuum, running faucet, microwave, and lawnmower. Terrible.

TV Star

I think Jen is grooming Sam to be an economist. But Teddy - Jen is going way beyond the pale in choosing his future. Here she clearly pushes him toward his own wildlife show like those annoying brothers on Zaboomafoo, who don't look anything alike, by the way. I suppose they do have a cartoon ... and there is always the merchandising, but such a tight niche to break into. I just don't find it realistic. How far will she go with "talking to the birds" and "being in picture shows," plus the wildlife (giraffes and tigers) Teddy is forced to interact with? I just hope he doesn't have to practice wildcat wrestling on yours truly.  

All Hallow's Eve Honor System

Needless to say, I am not a big fan of Halloween. You would think that cats would be sort of worshipped ... well, that's what I think, anyway. Instead, kids just try to pull your tail. But more about that later. 

I liked last Halloween better. Jen did nothing to the house, Sam wore a shirt with skeletons on it, and that was that. Suddenly, there are two kids and these so-called special days come with way too many decorations and outfits. 

Teddy dressed in this horrible bee suit. How terrifying! Jen will have only herself to blame when Teddy tries to befriend the bees and gets stung for his efforts. 

And Sam. Dear Lord. No one told this poor child that the space exploration program at NASA was cancelled? No one told him that space exploration is a pipe dream at best? That the only space shuttles anyone is climbing on these days are at museums? Or maybe it's an ironic costume.  

Well, Jen and Josh got what they deserved. While out trick-or-treating with Sam and Teddy, they left a bowl of candy and a sign. In other words, they assumed that the wicked children and teens that parents actually let out of the house on a school night, unsupervised, would follow the Honor System. Well, I was in the bushes and saw the whole thing: a teenager dumped all the candy into his bag, laughing ensued, then another kid kicked over the pumpkin by the walkway. I must have meowed in horror, because I was spotted and a girl put her hand out and made kissy noises. Yeah, right, sweetheart. I hightailed it out of there! The raccoons have it right - on Halloween, lay low. Really, really low. 

Shortcomings

I know. You are asking yourself, Where are the timely Halloween photos? Surely Rufus has pithy comments about that day. And I do, rest assured. But that quick of a photo turnaround on a 5+ year-old computer is too much to ask. So please content yourself with the following. 

Oh, so cute. Teddy is playing in the "pond." Funny, he looks immobile. What? Could it be?

Why, yes, he's asleep. Where is Jen? In the kitchen. With her iPod on. As in, couldn't hear Teddy scream himself to sleep. Or maybe he fell asleep quietly, I can't remember. The point is, Jen is negligent. And, yes, he did have a rattle imprint on his forehead upon waking. And, yes, he is wearing a terribly ironic bib. You just want to finish the sentence: despite all of her manifold shortcomings. 

Grooming

Depending on how much time you spend with Jen, Josh, and the kids, you may have experience with Sam's preference for his father. When Jen corrects Sam, issues orders, spanks (just kidding!), or otherwise tries to get Sam to do something he does not want to do, she invariably hears something like "I need some space," "I want my dad," or perhaps "Don't say that to me. That makes me sad." 

Now, I'm not saying that Jen is to blame for Sam's proclivities, but just look at her clothing decisions. Note that Teddy's clothes were Sam's clothes first. I wonder if there aren't subliminal messages being sent.  

Jen keeps saying that Teddy will be hers and Sam can prefer Josh all he wants. This seems rather, well, sick. With the kind of health care we have in this country, I don't know that the boys should be set up to need so much therapy in the future. And labeling them as "things" certainly will require some psychological work later on. 

Cat Naps

Jen hasn't been getting enough sleep because Teddy is waking up every couple of hours during the night. She's being punished for bragging to everyone that he was sleeping "through the night" and that she was getting "so much sleep." I don't see the problem with the amount of sleep Jen is getting, but she obviously has a problem because she is a zombie - an angry zombie.

I keep trying to tell her that she needs to look at it from a feline perspective: she is getting a bunch of catnaps. Cat naps are great. Plus, not like she needs a lot of sleep for hunting. I get a total of 20 hours because I need lots of energy to hunt rats, chase that black cat out of the yard, and scratch up the white chair. What does Jen do? I mean, we get groceries and milk delivered to the door! She only needs, what, five or six hours of sleep, broken up into one and two hour stretches? I think that's all she needs. Good thing, too, because that's all she gets.

One good thing about the zombie is that she has gotten lazy with, well, many things, but enforcing the Cat Laws is the major item on my list. I now regularly: drink out of the bathtub, sleep on Papa's bed, mark all corners with my hair and scent, and - here's the kicker - scratch the heck out of the white chair. I picked the old chair that Don left us when we bought the house. I am considerate, really, I did not choose Jen's precious furniture. It is just so much more satisfying to sink your claws into a chair than it is into a scratching post. Plus, it's warmer in the living room than in the Penthouse. The thing is, I have been doing this for months. Months. So, really, the fact that Jen recently caught me and shoos me away will not have any effect. The damage is irreversible and she should let me continue to turn to chair into a cat art piece. Then it would be a curiosity and a conversation piece!

Incriminating Photos

Oh, look! It's the whole family! In a picturesque location! What could be better?! But, wait! They have a cat. Where is the cat? Is he in the very large bag that Jen made Josh carry just in case everyone simultaneously needed a diaper, a change of clothes, and a snack? No?

I'll tell you where the cat is! Locked up. Loyal followers are very familiar with the Utility Room, aka Rufus's Penthouse, aka Cat Jail. As in, Quick put Rufus in cat jail before one of his hairs falls onto my rug. Or, Ug, who let Rufus out of his penthouse and into my kitchen? 

Josh couldn't even be bothered to contact Susan to take me in for a couple days? Nope. Just throw a pile of food down, leave a clean litter box and some water, and your cat can survive for days! 

But what about my spirit? Yes, yes, it is indomitable, sure, but you don't know what it's like in solitary. AND, a couple days after they got back, Jen took me to the vet! For shots! What am I going to catch in this neighborhood? Was adding that insult to injury really necessary?

AND there were toads in Whistler! Toads! Sure, they give you a bit of a tummy ache, but they are so much fun! Rats run, but toads hop - really keeps your skills sharp. I hear Jen caught a few, but I don't think she taught Sam how to properly catch a toad. We all know the adage: Give a child a toad and his hands will be slimy for a day; teach a child to catch a toad, and his hands can be slimy for a lifetime. 

Because BK Said So

Well, well, well, what have we here? Seems that this stupid little junco not only slammed into a glass window, leaving a trail of feathers on the front porch, but he also decided to hang out at the door, like Jen was going to let him in or something. She doesn't even let me in during the day. This is when a bird could do with a sense of smell - it would have alerted him to the presence of a cat. 

But Jen couldn't be bothered to tell me, noooooooooo, couldn't maybe suggest I look at the front porch. Noooooo, she just let me laze about in ignorance. Oh! The fun we could have had, little junco, dear. I am more of a ratter, but such a gift right on my front porch? I would have liked to be advised. 

What was Jen doing anyway? Working on her silly photo projects, that's what. Where are her priorities?

Lazy

Jen and Josh have been coddling Sam his whole life. I have been trying to teach him a thing or two about fending for himself and what to hunt, of course.

But I always find him sitting on something or being carted around.

What's wrong with walking? Climbing a tree?

The kid can barely hold himself upright.

Torture Chamber

What do you call it when you place a baby in a confined space? How about if that confined space has cartoonlike renderings of terrifying animals on the walls? How about if that space also has horrible creatures hanging down in the baby's face and he does not have the ability to roll away from them? And what sort of sick mixed messages does said baby's mother send when she places the child in this space and then makes him coo and giggle?

Teddy will need some serious therapy in the future.

Double Standards

Whenever Jen lays a blanket down I, too, will stretch out on it on my tummy. I usually roll over in order to expose my softer side to petting. So I see Teddy does the same, and Jen gets all giggly and weird about it? Bizarre. When I lie down and roll, I either get pet, shooed off, or both.

The Defender

You know me as a tom who is not afraid of a fight. I am sure you all remember how rough our last neighborhood was: raccoons, possums, fast cars, dogs, and the meanest, mangiest cats you have ever met and had better never try to pet. I have two docked ears and some serious scars from 29th Ave. East. But I have mental toughness and fortitude as well as character. So this recent wound - and the scuffle that gave it to me - barely deserves mentioning and was totally worth it to defend my family.

Just look at how soft, pudgy, pale and vulnerable they are. They sleep inside, take showers, buy pre-killed food, and regularly cut their nails.

They - and the land they live on - must be defended.

And I am proud to be the Defender.

Quiet Time

Josh, Jen, and Sam came outside to have breakfast with me one morning. I took this to mean that they approve of my recent killings, so I have upped the ante in my quest for rats. I usually spend all night out and about, on the hunt. Josh planted a garden that the rats are drawn to, so they are easy pickings this time of year. I like to bring them, stunned, to the front porch and finish the slaughter there. I try to leave the entire rat for Jen to find - I know she likes them whole because she gasps the loudest when she finds them that way - but I usually end up eating at least half.

I always need a little rest after a long night on the prowl. These past sunny days and warm mornings have been nice and rejuvenating.

I just wish some people would stay out of my light.

Lap time

Ohhhhh, I see. Heaven forbid Rufus get on someone's lap for a little shut-eye. Noooooo, suddenly, when there is a cat on your lap, you remember all those important things that need to be done.

But a baby! A baby makes you sit around, enjoy the moment, take it easy.

Everybody wants a baby one his lap! Sure!

So disturbing

Please be advised that a baby was tortured to get this film. I do not condone Jen's actions. Just listen to her sickening giggle in the background. I mean, what kind of mother hangs cat toys in front of her baby and then sticks a strange object in the baby's mouth so he can't complain? A horrible one, that's what kind. I am especially bothered by the fact that Jen used toys that are clearly meant for me.

Bath time - outdoors

One day I was minding my own business, having some alone time in the shade, when Sam and Josh invaded the yard with a new pool. You might recall that the old pool was attacked by raccoons, so Josh replaced it with this one ... which leaks.

I just don't get it. Is this a human way to make bath time fun? It looks positively awful to me. And, I wonder, are the costumes required? Sam's outdoor bath costume has pirate decoration on it.

I would much rather hang in the shade.

More Rules

This is the punishment for breaking the various noise rules in the house.

And more rules have been added. The need for the additions arises from Sam's schooling, oddly enough. Apparently, when kids hang out together, they get mischievous. I already see enough mischief when just Sam is around. The thought of a daycare situation terrifies me. Sam exacerbates our growing rule problem by running with the wrong crowd at school; I think I mentioned this before. Henry is a bad influence.

Let's review.

1. No vomiting noises (old rule)

2. No choking sounds (also old)

New:

3. No gun noises in the house.

4. No fighting noises in the house.

Evidently, at school the kids get to play guns outside as long as no one is shot. I guess they aim into the air, like at an Iraqi wedding.

Jen is about to add two more:

5. No saying "Huh?" to Mommy and Daddy.

6. No imitating Mommy's frustrated growl.

Stretch II

I like how Jen repeats lessons so that Teddy really learns. I still object to the straightjacket ... although, I imagine the stretch feels even better after coming out of it. Maybe there is a cat straightjacket.

Bipedal Madness

I suppose that if I were bipedal I would also look for faster ways to get around. It seems sort of superfluous, however. Why does anyone need to go farther than they can run? Besides, it looks dangerous. I will make it my job to convince Sam to keep his paws on the ground and stick to walking and running.

Tail Pullers

You know how I feel about lots of company. I generally make myself scarce, especially when there are tail pullers around.

Just look at these two! You can tell they are thinking about tails - orange, fluffy ones. I think I heard Sam tell Nico to put the camera down so that he had two good pulling hands at the ready.

I am happy to report, however, that I was overreacting. I know. I know. It never happens; I am generally right about everything. But Cousin Nico was not interested in pulling my tail at all. He was quite gentle, actually, and merely wanted to admire my beauty and snap a couple photos.

Nico, you are invited back whenever you want.

Stretch

I fully support teaching Teddy to stretch properly. We all know that cats are extremely good at this practice. Every time I stand, I stretch before taking a step. We would all feel better physically if we stretched more. But what's with the straight-jacket?

Mobile

I don't know what it is with humans and all the stuff they hang up in various places. Our walls used to be nice and bare, but Josh has started hanging pictures of buildings and geographical features. It's weird.

Weirder still is the desire to hang things in front of Teddy. I mean, do they think he is actually looking at this thing? Or that he likes or dislikes it? Yes, they do. But he is merely looking in the only direction available to him at the moment. I mean, he can't even roll over.

Jen and Josh are seriously deluded.

My Blankie

This blanket is mine. Raisin and Topps sent it. Unfortunately, Jen is reluctant to let me have it because of my shedding issue. We had a little tiff about it, in fact.

Jen: You know what your problem is, Rufus?

Me: I don't have a problem.

Jen: Shedding.

Fine, I figure I will get to lie on it sometimes. Jen occasionally lets me up on the couch as long as I don't fidget too much. I am okay with sometimes. What I am not okay with is the fact that Teddy has already gotten spit up and some poop overflow/soak-through on it. I fail to see how hair is any worse. At least hair doesn't smell putrid.

I don't even want the blanket anymore.